My New Elliptical

After having a baby, I wanted to get rid of the excess weight so I was excited when my guy bought me a new commercial elliptical trainer off of Ebay. I was a bit skeptical because even though I use Ebay quite often, I had never ordered anything of this magnitude. I eagerly awaited its arrival. I knew that it would take a fairly long time because I had perused other feedback that the seller had received and most people said that everything worked out great but that their purchase took a relatively long time to arrive. It did take a long time but I was patient to wait. Finally, one day the doorbell rang. I opened the door to a tiny, confused 60 year old man with a clipboard. He asked me if I had ordered a piece of fitness equipment and I nodded. Then he laughed and asked me where I expected I was going to put it. I had not thought that far ahead you see. I did not realize that this thing was a monstrosity that would not fit through the front door of my house. I really thought that the company would send me two great, huge, hulking men with a forklift or something to delicately carry my beloved new toy down my 15 basement steps for me. Instead I got a librarian with a pacemaker and a portable manual jack lift. I had to think fast because the guy wanted to just drop this thing off on my doorstep and take off. That would leave just me, with my baby screaming for her dinner in the house, to try and figure out a way to not leave this thing out in the weather. My guy was out of town for work as were all of his friends. So I finally convinced the little old guy to drive his semi truck around the back alley where I have a detached garage and we could put it in there. Now our garage is quite old and it took me a very long time to figure out how to open the doors but I finally got them open and he backed up and proceeded to try and unload my lovely inexplicable disaster. This took about half an hour as said fitness miracle weighed about 300 pounds or more and my blessed dashboard bobblehead senior was probably only weighing in at about the same as a wet shirt. We also had a few heartattack threats so I am sure that I was the death of this elderly gentleman and now I will have to pay for it karmically for the rest of my mortal life and more or less into the afterlife as well. So we got the thing in and I said my many thanks to the poor wretch and bid him good day. Now it was about 2 months sitting in my garage before my guy was able to round up help to bring it into the house, I wanted to get it in before the cold weather. So after lugging it out of the garage and having to take the front door off of its hinges in order to get it in, here it now sits in all its glory in the middle of my living room. There was no way it was ever going to fit down those 15 basement steps without falling and killing or, at the very least seriously maiming someone.
Whoo hoo! That was my exclamation after it was safely through my front door. I also proceeded to make several long enduring vows of lovefest extraordinaire to my designated significant.
So there I was, I was going to be a fitness diva! Beach bod here I come! I hopped aboard my torturous contraption and began to stride. Seconds passed: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..................5................5...............hey wait a minute, what's going on! A minute later, my machine was still insisting that only five seconds had passed. I tried resetting it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5............5.............5. No use, it couldn't count past five. Damn it!!! I had a bum machine that would never pass grade one! This is where it gets good because now I had to call, wait for it, duh duh duh: TECHNICAL SUPPORT!! Now anyone who has ever had to deal with these people knows that for the most part they are just a bunch of talking heads in jars of formaldehyde. Oh and one of them, more than likely the one that you get to talk to, doesn't speak English at all but has memorized a few English words or phrases to try to fit in at the talking head school. I get on the phone with these people and one of them, Brian, says that they get this kind of problem all of the time. ????? What the hell? Then fix it you morons!! Anyhow, I calmly ask how it can be remedied and he tells me that he will ask the best guy on his team to contact me and walk me through fixing it. He also asks if I would kindly go to the website and leave 5 stars once the machine is up and running. Sure, why not, I just want to use the damn thing. Turns out, the best guy on his team is the one that doesn't speak English. Xjlutuk calls me up and we get nowhere because he just keeps repeating, 'Tell me now your problem is?' So I hang up with him while he goes to look at the manual and I phone Brian back. I actually get to talk to Brian again and I am so stunned by this that I just completely blank for a minute but then I quickly regain my composure. I tell Brian that I would like to talk to the second best guy on his team or anyone else really, even the secretary would do. Hell, at least then I might get some sympathy and a free stapler. Brian reminds me that once the machine is running to go and leave a 5 star rating on their website. I then get to talk to Jason who walks me through the simple procedure of taking the whole machine apart to look for a magnet the size of a smartie, which is not there. Jason asks me if I see it and I say it is not there. He asks me if I am looking in the very right spot and I reply that yes, I am. Then he asks me if I am sure it is not there. Yes, I am very sure. Hmmmm, this is super puzzling to Jason who then comes to the conclusion that it must have fallen off during shipping. He promises that he will send me another one and I am very pleased because if I receive this part then Jason assures me that my machine will most certainly work perfectly as it should since we paid a ghastly amount for it. Before he lets me go, he reminds me about leaving that 5 star rating on their website once the machine actually works. A few days pass and I receive the magnet. I am so excited, I am going to be a fitness guru!! I slap it in there and then arduously put the whole machine back together which is not a simple process after all since most of the screws refuse to go into their right and proper holes. Of course, why should they? I finally get the whole thing put back together and I plug it in. It doesn't work at all. WTF!!! Oh wait, that extension cord just didn't work. So I plug it into the wall and it starts up and I am relieved. I jump right on and get ready to bust my ass. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..........5............5...............5 Arrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!! What the hell is going on!! Okay, relax, bikini season isn't until next year. I call Brian back. Oh, hello Brian, (I really did get the same guy again if you can believe it, holy crap!) I tell him that it still doesn't work. He isn't surprised. This machine does this all the time apparently. I want to wring his neck. Anyway, he tells me that again he will get his #1 guy on the phone with me but I have already been through all of that so I just ask if there is a technician in my town that can come to my house and just fix it for me. He tells me that he can get his secretary to phone me and set me up with a technician but it would be easier for me to just talk to Xjlutuk because he could walk me through getting the thing realigned and up and running by that night. I pass politely and just ask him to get his secretary to phone me. He says he will and then asks again if I would go to the website and give my rating of 5 stars. Ok, I will already, what is with these people. John calls me back. I never realized I would meet this many men. I mean seriously, hey single ladies, forget the bars and other hotspots, just call technical support. John takes my info then tells me he will call me back to let me know if there is someone close by that can help me out. Yes! Now I was getting somewhere although I didn't get a free stapler. Boo. John reminds me to please leave 5 starry stars on their site.
Today Ryan calls me up and we set up an appointment for him to come by tomorrow morning. Yay!! Now I will be master fitness connoisseur for life!!